Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
