What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
