What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Enjoy the penises
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
