OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
