shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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