I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
