He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
