It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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