you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
