You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
