Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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