I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You smell like stripper and shame
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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