Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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