I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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