Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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