Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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