I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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