did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
