all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
