what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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