Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
