this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
