My cat gives me a boner
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
