there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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