I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
