I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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