The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I have fence marks all over my body
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
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