I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
