Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
