Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
