I hate your face
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
