this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
