I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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