pop tarts are not kleenex
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
