You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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