I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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