your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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