So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
