When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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