I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
