Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
