I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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