I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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