Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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