my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
