I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
