I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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