I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
