Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.