I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
