You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
