Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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