I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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