so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
