Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
