If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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