so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He better not be in your backpack
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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